Solving Sleepy Time Problems

All children go through problems with sleep. Children who have mental health disorders or are in foster care often have more problems in this area. Sleeping in a strange bed and strange home contributes to this, but in many cases, a child in foster care who has sleep problems may be having intrusive or bad dreams. Or, they have had a pattern of bad dreams in the past, and they resist and fear going to sleep. In some cases, their medication may be interfering with sleep. If you suspect this, check with the child's doctor. While there are medications available to help children to sleep, but even these are not always 100% effective.

In most cases, the child's sleep difficulties are behaviorally based. The child has gotten into a successful habit of avoiding going to bed, or getting up in the middle of the night to play.hard at helping children with sleep disorders to get to sleep and stay asleep. The key, of course, is consistency. I'm not talking just the usual consistency, but super consistency, 99.9% consistency and adherence in following the sleep protocol.

• Be ready to use this protocol for at least one year, or until the child has had a positive sleep pattern for three months before easing any of the steps.
• Establish the bedtime and always, always keep the bedtime the same. This means NO changes, even for "special events" or summertime. Due to summer daylight issues, set the time at whatever nightfall is in the summertime. Really. Same bedtime every night.
• Establish a set bedtime routine: bath, snack, quiet time, potty time, story, prayer, and tuck in.
• Be sure to have a nightlight on in the child's room.
• NO TV! GET THE TV OUT OF THE ROOM. Ditto for music players.
• After following the bedtime routine, LEAVE the room. If the child comes out of the room, take their hand, walk them back to bed, and say this (and only this) in a calm voice: "It is time for you to go to sleep." Turn and leave the room as you did the first time. DO THIS THE EXACT SAME WAY EVERY TIME THE CHILD COMES OUT OF THEIR ROOM. (Yes, it might be well over 300 times.) Over time, you will have to do this less and less. You might track how many times you do this nightly in order to get encouragement in seeing the progress.
• With older children, you can have them go to their room at bedtime and have 30 minutes of lights on quiet activity before lights out. You can also tell an older child that if they do not cooperate with staying in their room and going to sleep, bedtime will be 30 minutes later for each infraction tomorrow night.
• If you hear the child awake, or up playing in their room, don't intrude. Only act if they come out of the room.
• Limit the toys in the child's bedroom, especially the more complex and interesting toys. One or two cuddle toys, or a few story books are o.k., but put the construction toys, battery operated toys, and action figures in some other place.
• DO NOT allow the child to sleep in any bed other than their own, unless you are not really serious about curing their sleep problem. While some families have a tradition of children sleeping in the same bed, or children sleeping with adults in the ‘family bed', this is bad practice for foster children, due to liability issues, health issues, and from a behavioral standpoint. It creates secondary behavior problems unnecessarily.
• Do not be discouraged by the child's resistance. The child may cry, scream, tantrum, or have a stress episode. Other than a stress episode, all else is manipulation to get you to give in and alter the routine. If you do, even in a little way, and just once, you will have to start all over again.

The transition from child care to pre-school and school

Tips for a Pain-Free First Day at Pre-school
Your child's first day at pre-school will be an exciting and emotional event for the whole family. As a parent the thought of sending your child off to pre-school could well be slightly traumatic and for children the reality of starting ‘school' can be a scary yet highly anticipated event.
Pre-school is designed to help children transition from life in the family, or a child care centre, to the more formal school system. Pre-school programs are designed to develop children's communication, problem solving and thinking skills and to familiarise them with the routines and rhythms of school life.
Emphasis is placed on the importance of teaching children independence and giving them the confidence to ask for what they want or need in a classroom environment.
With a little preparation and planning prior to the big day you can help ensure your child's first day at pre-school is a positive and rewarding experience for all of you.
Before the First Day

• Talk to your child about pre-school and what an exciting adventure it will be. Have a chat to your child's future teacher and principal and gain as much information as possible. This will ensure you can answer all your child's questions about what they will do, where they will go to the toilet, where and when they will eat lunch and so on. Being as thorough and as honest as you can, will ease your child's concerns.
• Help your child prepare mentally for pre-school by spending extended amounts of time doing activities which require patience and concentration, such as reading a book, playing a quiet board game or working on a puzzle. Listen and direction games such as Simon Says will teach your child how to follow instructions.
• In the weeks leading up to pre-school encourage your child to be as independent as possible when it comes to dressing, feeding, going to the toilet, looking for things and washing his/her hands. This will give your child the confidence to perform these tasks on their own at pre-school.
• If possible spend time with other pre-school aged children in the days leading up to the start of school so your child builds up confidence in his or her ability to communicate with older children.
• Visit the local pre-school with your child during school hours. This will ensure your child is familiar with the staff and surroundings and will give you an opportunity to ask any questions you may have.
• Find out what your child should take with them to per-school for example, sun hat and sun block, water bottle, lunch box, pencils. Make a point of labeling all of the items, this will help your child identify their belongings and will save money and possible upsets in the case of your little one losing something important to them.
• On the First Day
  
• Get up early to ensure you have plenty of time to get everything done in a peaceful and positive environment.
• Plan a celebratory breakfast for your pre-schooler, make a fuss and present him/her with a small gift, such as a new bag or a Starting Pre-School Certificate, this will make your child feel very important in their new role.
• Pack a change of clothes, so that your child has something of their own to change into, in case of a messy emergency.
• When you arrive at the pre-school, take your child in, show him/her where to put their belongings and introduce him/her to the teacher.
• If you are leaving straight away, give your child a cuddle and kiss, say good bye in a positive voice and leave. Try not to turn around if your child starts crying as this only prolongs the farewell. Remember most children stop crying as soon as their parents are out of sight!
• If you are staying, let your child do their own thing, but remain within their line of vision. Encourage your child to be as independent as possible. If you leave before the end of the session, give your child a kiss and a cuddle, say good bye in a positive voice and leave.

In the Long Term

• If you have time, try and get involved in pre-school life. This might include helping out in the classroom from time to time, going on class trips or assisting with special events such as school fairs.
• Maintain regular communication with your child's teacher, both on a formal and informal basis. Remember you know your child better than anyone and are in the best position to provide the teacher with information to help them ensure your child receives maximum benefits from pre-school.
• Advise your child's teacher if something happens at home which could impact on your child's performance at pre-school. Things which might affect your child include the birth of a sibling, divorce, moving house, visitors or a death or illness in the family.
• Remember that pre-school should be a positive and rewarding experience for your child. By employing some of the suggestions provided above you will be working to ensure that your child has a great time from the outset and this will pave the way for a successful transition to school.  
• Get Involved!
  Remember, your child's school is part of your local community so if you have the time try and get involved: volunteer for working bees, do canteen duty, accompany the class on excursions and try to attend sports days and fetes. Your child will find the transition to school easier if they know you're involved and taking an interest.

Choosing Child Care for Children: What About Books?

Choosing Child Care for Children:
What About Books?

Parents visiting a child care center or family child care home that they are considering for their child should look for an environment to nurture growth and build upon what they’re doing at home.
Literary development is part of that growth. According to Joan Brest Friedberg, Ph.D., Co-Founder, Beginning with Books, "We know that to become enthusiastic, competent readers and writers, children need daily experience with books, nursery rhymes, language games, and conversation. Parents may already have a storytime at home, perhaps at bedtime. But they’ll want to be sure that the hours their child spends in child care also provide plenty of opportunities for these important experiences."
Friedberg suggests parents consider the following questions when exploring child care options for their child:

• Are there books in the room, within reach of the children? How may books? According to Friedberg, the ideal setting has at least five books per child.

• Are the books kept in several spots—for example, in the housekeeping area for pretend play as well as in the story corner?

• What shape are the books in? Well-loved and well-used but intact? No missing covers or pages?

• Are there durable board books for babies and toddlers?

• Check publication dates. Does the collection include both old favorites, like Goodnight Moon, and some new titles?

• Does the collection reflect the diversity of our world, showing a range of ethnicities and cultures, family patterns, occupations, gender roles?

• When and how often do the caregivers read to the children? Are there opportunities for both group storytimes and side-by-side individual reading?

Care Providers

They take to you, something about what you do

Babies always smile and coo their way, into your heart

And families, in you they believe

in what you got up your sleeve, those arms, reaching out.Care Providers of little ones

the circle's wider for all you've done;

Care Providers, we're overdue

to take good care, care of you.

Development, take a warm environment

Lots of encouragement and love to go around

From what they say, a child=s work is play

Couldn=t be a better way than that, with you.Moms and Dads, care for kids

Care Providers of little ones
the circle's wider for all you=ve done;
Care Providers, we=re overdue
to take good care, care of you.

They are the future, they are the bridge

It takes a village, it takes a town

To come together, it=ll go around.

They take to you, something about what you do
Babies always smile and coo their way, into your heart
From what they say, a child=s work is play
Couldn't be a better way than that, with you.

Care Providers of little ones
the circle's wider for all you've done;
Care Providers, we're overdue
to take good care, care of you.

c 1999 words and music by John Cronin

by John Cronin, Developmental Disabilities Supervisor
Region II Infant Toddler Program, Idaho Department of Health and Welfare
serving Moscow, Lewiston, Grangeville, and Orofino, Idaho.

Child Care in your Home-Is it for you?

I started doing child care in my home in August 1993, a few weeks after the birth of my youngest daughter. What began as a way to stay home with my children has grown into my career and now I can't imagine doing anything else. The first thing anyone needs to know who is considering taking care of children in their home-this is NOT an easy job! This is the most exhausting, challenging work I have ever done. It is also the most rewarding. I think people see providers doing this job (and the more experienced, organized ones make it look easy) and think that anyone can do it. Well, that's simply not true.
So, how do you know if it's for you? Well, you may not know until you try it out. But here's some things to think about before you get started.

1. What are the regulations in your state? Are you required to be licensed? How many children are you allowed to care for? What kind of changes will you have to make to your home before you can become licensed? There is a website that has each state's licensing requirements listed. You can go to it, and find your state, and look at the regulations. The website is called "National Resource Center for Health and Safety in Child Care"  On the left hand side of the page, there is a link called "State licensing and regulation information", click on that link to take you to a page that has a link to each state's regulations.
2. Do you have a backbone? Are you ready to stand up for yourself and ask for payment when parents don't pay? Are you ready to stand up for yourself when parents don't pick up their children on time? Are you ready to send that sick child home, even when the parent tries to get you to keep him/her because they can't miss one more day of work? You will need a contract and policies in place to help you enforce this. A contract is basically a one page agreement between yourself and the parent detailing when and how much you will be paid. The policies should cover everything else, such as your sick policy, your late pickup policy, and anything else you want parents to be aware of before they start. There are lots of sites on the internet where you can look at other provider's policies and contracts to get ideas to build yours around. Each provider's contracts and policies will look different, based on what they believe to be important. Some helpful websites are: Child Care and Beyond (they also have a great message board where you can interact with providers from all over the world and get great tips and advice) 
3. How will your own children react? Most providers I know find that the most challenging part of doing child care in your home is your own children. Make sure that you have a place where your child can go to be alone and get away from the other children. Also, make sure that they have toys that are "just theirs" that they can keep in their bedrooms and go play with and not be expected to share them. (the rule at my house when my kids were younger was that if they didn't want to share it, they had to keep it in their bedrooms, if they brought it out for everyone to see, they were expected to share).
4. How does your spouse feel about it? A supportive husband will make doing child care in your home much easier.

So you've thought about all these things, and you've talked to the licensing regulator in your area (if necessary) and you've decided you want to give it a try. What do you do next?

1. Decide what's important to you and write your contracts and policies.
2. Get ready to market your business. Make a flyer on your computer, print or buy your own business cards, check out the price of newspaper ads for your area. Word of mouth is probably the best advertising. Tell people that you are starting child care in your home, ask them to help you spread the word, and ask them to give your name and phone number to prospective clients. Tom Copeland from Redleaf Press has written a great book called "Marketing your Family Child Care". It has lots of great ideas for ways to market your business.
3. Tom Copeland is THE leading authority on child care finances and taxes. You will want to get his book "Family Child Care Record Keeping". It will tell you what items are deductible business expenses, and tell you the best way to keep records for your business. He also puts out a book each year that takes you through the steps of doing your taxes, you may wish to purchase that book. The tax book usually comes out in January of each year.
4. What kinds of toys will you need? Simple, versatile toys are the best. Blocks, dolls, play dishes, toy cars, puppets, children's books, puzzles, dress-up clothes (this can be anything-old Halloween costumes, old clothes) etc. are great. For outside, balls, jump ropes, and hula hoops are good, and can be used in many different ways. Riding and push toys, a sandbox, and toy tractors and trucks are also a great addition for the outside environment. Garage sales and dollar stores (such as Dollar Tree) are often a great source for toys. You will also want some simple arts and crafts materials such as paper, glue, pencils, markers, and crayons. You can add more toys and arts and crafts materials as you go.
5. Find out if there is a child care resource and referral office in your area. They can offer great resources for your business, and can list you in their database of child care providers. The one in my area also has a great toy lending library.
6. Most important of all, be prepared to be professional. If you present yourself as a professional, parents will respect you more, and it will make your new adventure much easier.

Education Choices for Child Care Providers

So you have decided to take classes to enter or progress in the field of early childhood education and child care. How do you decide what educational path is right for you?

The first step is to consider your ultimate career goal. Below I list possible qualifications for different positions. It is important to note that each state has different regulations and standards and it is best to check with you local licensing or education agency.

Child Care Director/Administrator

Many states require at least a bachelor degree in a related field.

Child Care Head Teacher/Group Supervisor

Many states require a bachelor degree or an associate degree with classroom experience.

Child Care Assistant Teacher/Assistant Group Supervisor

Some states require an associate degree or it’s equivalent; like a CDA or certificate.

Public School Teacher

All states require that a teacher must hold a bachelor degree and either have obtained full state teacher certification or have passed the state licensing exam and hold a license to teach.
Before enrolling in a program, consider what it is involved and if it is right for you. You can expect differing levels of work and commitment based upon what option you choose.

CDA

The Child Development Associate Credential is awarded for three childcare settings: 1) Center-based: infants and toddlers or preschool children; 2) Family Child Care; and 3) Home Visitor. Along with 6 months of course work, candidates are required to complete a portfolio and be evaluated in their work setting.

Associate Degree / Certificate

This is usually a two-year program and most classes are directly related to child development and educational theory and practice. You can find these programs offered at many community colleges and some technical schools.

Bachelor Degree

To complete this four year degree, students will usually be required to take general course in the liberal arts along with classes in their major.

Time Out: How to Create a Discipline Plan

For Cyndi and Ed Hilbert of Powell, Idaho, discipline is a touchy issue -- literally. Ed doesn't hesitate to give their 3-year-old son Garrett a spanking when he misbehaves. Cyndi prefers to employ calm and consistent discipline. Spanking, she says, should be a last resort.

Their different approaches to parenting have not only put a strain on their marriage, but Garrett seems to be catching on. "He can tell something is up, and he's started to kind of play us against each other," Cyndi says.

Sound familiar? When you and your partner don't approach discipline in the same way, it can feel like you're being undermined at every turn. And if you're lucky enough to agree on discipline strategies, there may be other caregivers in your children's lives, like  or grandparents, who have their own opinions. No one wants their kids getting away with bad behavior during the day -- because the  lets them off easy.

But no matter what their beliefs, most adults agree that children need discipline. In a recent survey on  31% of parents said they do not have a discipline plan in place, 54% have spanked their child, and 94% believe there are social pressures against spanking. The lesson learned: No matter how they do it, parents need to get on the same punishment page.

"The whole idea behind a punishment is to teach the child a lesson that you feel will ultimately be in their best interest," says Robi Ludwig, Psy.D, Parenting Expert at Care.com. Here are her 4 strategies for creating a discipline strategy the whole family can stand behind.

1. Discuss discipline upfront, and often. "Discipline is an issue that can be discussed even before you have kids," says Ludwig. Talk with your partner about how you were raised and how you feel about how your parents disciplined you. For the Holbert's, their discord stems in part from their difference in age: Ed is 22 years older than Cyndi. "We were raised in very different families, and a lot of the ways that we each parent comes from how we were parented," says Cyndi.

You should have a similar discussion with your nanny during the hiring process. Ask her what she would do in different scenarios to make sure you will be comfortable with her discipline philosophy. And keep communicating with all parties as issues come up. If you take away a favorite toy from your daughter in the morning, make sure your nanny doesn't give it back to her as soon as you leave for work.

2. Learn to love the differences. Not everyone in your children's lives will approach discipline in exactly the same way. That's OK, says Ludwig. Her father-in-law, for example, has a pet peeve about noise; he will verbally discipline his grandchildren when they play loudly. "It seems like a strong reaction to me, but when I'm struck by it, I step back and look at the overall picture, which is he that loves my children, he has his way, and that's OK," says Ludwig. "The whole idea behind discipline is to help prepare your child for the world. Kids need to learn that there are different personalities in the world who have different reactions to things."

3. Try the mildest interventions first. That being said, you and your partner should work to have a unified game plan. "If the parents start arguing, then the child realizes that he can pit them against each other," says Ludwig. When you disagree on strategies for teaching your little one to behave, she advises starting with the most benign philosophy first. "If your partner believes in spanking, and you don't, then you can say, 'What you probably believe is that kids need to have limits set. My thinking is let's try to do that with a time out. If that doesn't work, then we can try your way'."

Ludwig doesn't recommend spanking. Neither does the American Academy of Pediatrics. Studies have found that children who are spanked are more likely to be depressed and aggressive as adults. "Spanking tends to be a highly reactive approach to discipline," she says. "I think if spanking is done with control as a single, deliberate intervention to make a point with a child who is completely out of control, it's not abuse. But it shouldn't be the first or even second line of defense."

4. Take a step back When dealing with a caregiver, it's important to communicate your philosophy for discipline. Go over how you handle different levels of bad behavior and ask her to do the same. But there comes a time when you need to relax and let her figure out what discipline methods work best between her and your children (as long as she avoids spanking). "If you trust and love your nanny, and you really feel that she's smart and loves your kids, you can let them develop their own style with your children," says Ludwig.

The bottom line, however, is that parents have the ultimate say in how the children are disciplined. If you feel like you're being undermined, your children are not responding well to a caregiver, or worse -- that they're in danger -- don't hesitate to intervene. "If you see something you feel uncomfortable with, let them know," says Ludwig.

6 Ways to Make the Most of a Summer Sitter

School is out and the days are longer, so whether you are home with the kids or working from an office, these gorgeous days beg for extra helping hands, to wear them out, get them and challenge them in their favorite interests.
Considering a majority of are college-age, these kids provide a wealth of talent (and energy) worth exploring. Even if it's to give your regular nanny a break in her day.
Here's 6 ways to make the most of a summer sitter.

1. A Coach
   Chasing after every fly ball in the yard can get exhausting, for us parent-types. But, if you who shares a love for a sport, the constant practicing doesn't seem like work.. Look for a sitter who shares similar interests with your child and will enjoy the outdoors as much as they do.
   
2. A Tutor
   Just like you  having a sitter that can "sneak" a math problem or two can be a fantastic summer resource. Babysitters who double as  can also be hired to spend 1 to 2 hours a week focusing primarily on school prep. Look for someone who your child might consider "cool" and can show him that his hardest subject can be "popular" too.
   
3. A Second Set of Hands
   Summer according to Moms: Tons of activities and numerous kids. Two extra hands is all it takes for the chaos to become well, less chaotic. A summer activity driver, an  a stay-home-with a sleeping-kid sitter, or just someone who can match your kids' energy at 3pm on a long, hot day of summer! Even help with a beach outing could be worth every penny.
   
4. A Role Model
   can be great mentors. Suddenly, going to school and doesn't seem so bad because your children now want to be just like their awesome sitter. So now your date night can double as a "school is cool" public service announcement.
   
5. A Camp-like Experience
   Gather some families and  who can plan and host a few hours of summer fun for your kids throughout the week. Look for a teacher on summer vacation or college sitter majoring in education, so they have familiarity with curriculum planning. Also consider a person's creativity and extra-curricular interests to tap into their experience and interests.
   
6. A Break (For You!)
   Whether it's an appointment to get your hair cut, go to the gym or eat a sandwich in peace and quiet, a  can provide some well-deserved alone time. Take a break and enjoy some summer fun of your own. And if you want to  invite your spouse to tag along.
   

10 Tips to Raising a Gentleman

Ever have a day when your son seems destined to grow up a boorish cad who chews with his mouth open and burps at the dinner table? Has your son bit the  pushed a baby, barked out food orders, pitched a fit in public, or made friends cry?

You're not alone. Most moms have endured these common, yet horribly cringing moments, despite knowing the importance of raising a respectful, responsible, kind and confident young man.
That's how Stephanie Yoshiko, a manners-conscious mom of three boys in  felt when her 5-year-old son had a play date with a new friend. "My son preferred to play alone, so when I suggested he involve his friend, he started talking back to me in front of our guests. Then, he wouldn't share his Lagos, making the young boy cry. No matter what I said, my son reacted with yelling," says Yoshiko. "I was terribly embarrassed by my son's behavior, especially because he wouldn't even apologize. I had to end the play date. I apologized profusely to the boy and his mom, but we have not gotten together with them since."
To help all parents of future young men, we talked with four experts about teaching your son manners, kindness, responsibility, and empathy -- all positive traits that lead to gentleman-like behavior and (bonus!) a giant confidence boost in your boy.
Here are their tips and techniques for raising a gentleman:
1. Examine your expectations. "Know what to expect by age and personality," says etiquette expert  the great granddaughter of renowned manners maven Emily Post and director of The Emily Post Institute. At each step of his growing life, your son should learn a little more about manners, such as saying, "please" and "thank you" from ages 1 to 3 and helping to clear the table by age 5.
"Three year old s can't look someone in the eye [see tip #4], but by 6 years old, they should be able to do that," says sensing, whose website,  provides etiquette guidelines from birth until 18 years old.
You will want to consider your son's personality when setting your goals. Tweak lessons based on whether he is shy, quiet, outgoing, talkative or inquisitive, according to Sensing. "Don't pressure kids," says Sensing. "Be sensitive to your son's personality at every developmental stage."
2. Encourage empathy. Compassion is an essential trait for building self-respect and respect for others. "Kids who are gentlemen don't  and are" says Sensing. "A gentleman is also someone who stands up for his friends."
Work on perspective taking, the skill of considering anther's view before your own. First, ask your son how he feels, then ask him what he thinks the other person is feeling. "This is an important stage that is often missed," says  co-author of It's like putting on your own oxygen mask first and then you can help others." Practice by reading together and asking, "What do you think the rabbit in the book is feeling?" Engaging your son in the rabbit's view gets him in the habit of thinking of others.
3. Be all ears. Listening to peers is essential to making and keeping friends - at all ages and stages of life. "Teach boys to make an effort to listen, because other people's thoughts really do matter," says Katy Shamming, director of  a center in Nowell, Mass., where kids learn about socializing. "For the past 10 years there's been a culture of celebrating yourself. Learning that it's not all about you is a dying art. Kids show caring by lending an ear."
4. Make eye contact and smile! Remind your son to walk into a room, smile and connect with kids with his eyes," says Shamanic. This also allows him to notice how others might be feeling. "If there's a kid sitting by himself, tell your son to go talk to him. Encourage your son to use social thinking skills to figure out how other people are feeling." Explain the value of smiling, especially if he's shy: smiles cheer up a room; smiles make everything easier; and smiles boost moods.
Eye contact expresses sincerity and honesty and fosters bonding between two people. It also helps build self-confidence. However, "it could be really threatening to look someone in the eye," says Sensing. "Teach kids to look at the nose. You can't tell and it's not as scary." Most boys giggle when you suggest looking at someone's nose, so it's a great way to break the ice and teach a critical social skill to last a lifetime.
5. Multi-touch messages. "Boys often respond less to words alone than girls," says Michael Guiana, a family therapist and author of  When teaching gentleman-like behaviors, communicate with three senses (sight, touch, sound) to get your message across. For example, if your son always tosses his shoes into the family room, try this multi-sensory method:

• Get down at his level and look him in the eye.
• Gently hold both shoulders.
• Say, "I want you to place your shoes in the mudroom."

Use this technique anywhere - at a friend's house, restaurant, grocery store - to reinforce and repeat etiquette lessons.
6. Act now. Little kids forget requests to act responsibly within seconds, according to Gurian. "It's important to have them do tasks right away and then reward them with nice words. Plus, the memory center in boys develops later than girls, so your notion of how responsibility is handled should be different," he explains. When you ask your son to move his trucks out of the living room, for example, have him do it right away so the memory of the request matches the action. Or, do it together to model how to take care of your belongings and explain out loud why you put toys away at the end of the day.
7. Practice at home. Practice table manners and chivalry at home, such as complimenting the cook, burping quietly with your mouth closed and  so your son knows what to do when he is on his own. "Teaching your boy to be a gentleman gives him the skills to build and strengthen relationships with family, teachers and friends, and helps him in day-to-day life," says Senning. "This develops self- confidence because your son will go into all situations, from eating at a friend's house to going on a job interview (later in life), knowing what's expected of him. He won't sit there wondering what to do, which dissolves self-confidence. He'll have an improved image and it will give him an edge."
8. Go natural. Turn everyday situations into learning moments. For example, if someone in the supermarket smashes a cart, say, "I wonder what's going on with them?" If an ambulance roars by say "I hope everyone is okay." This could be more effective with younger children than bringing them to soup kitchen. "Charity work is good, but be sensitive to your child's age. Strangers may produce anxiety," advises Szalavitz.
9. Be a role model. All of the experts agree: both parents should behave how they want to see their son behave. "This is easier said than done, but when kids see you donating to charity, being kind to other people or saying please and thank you, that has a big influence," says Szalavitz. "Children learn how to regulate themselves from their parents and caregivers."
10. Work as a team. It's important to create a plan and work together with your caregiver, so you are teaching the same skills. Pick a few lessons at a time and make sure everyone has the same age-appropriate steps in mind for your child. Review the tips above during your regular meetings and adjust them as your son grows.
Once your son gets into the routine of being a young gentleman, he will experience the benefits of being polite and acting kindly towards others. He'll soon see that it actually feels nice to be, well.... nice.

Getting over the Guilt

Mommy guilt

I tend to be a person bound by guilt and obligation, and there's no better experience than parenting to force you to work on getting over the guilt. My early separation guilt is best epitomized by the fact that it wasn't until the fourth day after giving birth to my daughter (I was in for 5 days following an emergency C-section) that I realized that I actually could put Laurel down in the hospital bassinet. That makes for about 96 hours straight where Laurel slept, ate, and breathed on my body.
Whether those first 96 hours were particularly formative, or I just continued to play out a pattern based on separation guilt, Laurel subsequently was happiest being toted in her sling or nursing for hours on end. Not surprisingly, I stretched my maternity leave from 4 to 9 months, after which point Laurel started going to day care. We both cried like babies on that first day and on many following. Each birthday since has marked a new room transition, agonizing goodbyes, and a fresh surge of guilt about sending her to day care. But as my professional life took new (finally passionate) form, it became very clear that I wanted and needed that time apart.

Alleviating day care guilt

My guilt about  has been alleviated primarily by tinkering with the balance of home/day care hours through the weekdays. When I was still in research, we needed full-time  but due to limited availability at the day care, had to cobble together a mix of two days of day care, family help, and me attempting to work at home while entertaining baby (you can imagine how the latter worked out). As day care spots opened up, we moved up to three then four days (the balance being covered by family), but in Goldilocks fashion, two days seemed too few (separation was harder due to the infrequency) and four seemed too many (I felt as if I barely saw Laurel on the weekdays).
When I left research to pursue independent ventures, one of my priorities was to scale back to three days of day care, which seems just right. I still wrestle with the problem that I have more work to do than hours to do it in, but the current arrangement allows me to enjoy time through the weekdays with Laurel, thus negating my guilt about hunkering down to work on the days she goes to school. And developmentally, despite her new room transition woes, I truly believe that day care has enriched Laurel's life. Her love for her teachers, friends, and activities at school is clear; the drop offs may sometimes be tough, but she's never ready to leave when I arrive to pick her up!

Mom and Dad need a guilt-free date

With this stage set, it's probably not surprising that in Laurel's first few years of life, my husband and I have been terrible about going out on dates. Our over-protectiveness about who could handle the separation anxiety and her nighttime routine was one issue, and Jon especially felt guilty about turning around to head off for a date after a busy week, since he didn't have the time with Laurel through the week that I did. But as Laurel has grown, we have realized that our family will be stronger by my husband and I having focused time together. We are committed and present in the hours that we are together as a family, and by letting other people into our lives, not only does our little village grow stronger, but we all learn to be more flexible and accommodating to life's changes.

Revisiting prior solutions

My husband and I strongly believe that the universe has a way of offering opportunity once you show flexibility and make room for change. A couple of weeks ago, once the pain and suffering associated with Laurel's preschool transition had finally dissipated, my husband and I revisited the  issue, saying that we needed to get over ourselves and go out with more regularity than once per quarter. Literally the next week, our neighbor offered to babysit for Laurel, saying she'd love to spend more time with her (weekly, if possible!) and that it seemed like we really needed some time out. When the universe so clearly presents you with an opportunity like that, you get over the guilt and enjoy every minute you're out and about with just the two of you.

Sound advice

Do I have any advice for others? Tinker with your schedule, if you have any flexibility, until you find a balance between time away and time at home that feels comfortable for both you and your child. And, don't be afraid to try something new. Sometimes, you just don't know what can work for your family until you try it. Being open to new possibilities doesn't mean losing yourself; it just means you might wind up with more options than ever before.
Christine Koh is a music and brain scientist turned publisher, designer, and freelance writer/editor. She is the editor of BostonMamas.com and the artist behind PoshPeacock.com.